Your son doesn’t have an attachment to your family.

Today we had family therapy.

"The mother"
“The mother” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The therapist asked if she could bring in David’s equine therapist during the last half hour.  I responded with, I have no problems with that.  The equine therapist wanted to talk to me about something that she wasn’t comfortable addressing in front of the whole team at the CRC meeting.  The CRC meeting is where we staff David’s case each month.

It is the opinion of the equine therapist that David has no attachments to anyone in the family.  To the point where he sometimes can’t remember names of the other kids.  While on one hand this is very sad, it isn’t something that we didn’t anticipate. We know David has attachment issues.  We know this because we have spent over 11 years with the young man and are aware of his blessings.  That said, it is nice that someone outside of the family is recognizing this.

I am not under any illusions that David will suddenly miss the family.  Our visits with David are as much for the rest of the family as they are for David.

To be honest, and I quite literally hate myself for thinking this, our family is better off with David in a placement than we would be if he was home.  We can’t provide the level of structured care that he requires.  It just isn’t something that can be done in a regular home environment.

I explained this to both therapists.  It isn’t that we don’t love and care for or about David.  It is just that we can’t do it alone.  We, and especially David deserve better than that.  David didn’t ask to be this way.  He was born this way.  It is a birth affect.  I can’t call it a birth defect, because it isn’t a birth defect.  There is a mystery in the brain that doesn’t allow for mistakes in fetal development.  That much is certain.

Birth mom, through her need to get high, affected David’s whole life.  His personality is such that he doesn’t feel remorse, love, and he doesn’t form attachments to people, or places.  Life just is.

Hard for me to comprehend all of this.   While it isn’t unexpected, it still comes as a shock to hear a professional acknowledge what you know in your heart to be true.  “Your son, who you love, has no attachment to you.  It isn’t anything you or the foster-parent did, it is the way he was born.”

Then why do I feel so awful about this situation?  I want to wave a magic wand and make it all better, sadly that only exists in fairy tales.  In the end, we discussed the attachment disorder with the whole team.  We can’t force him to find love in his heart.  He isn’t wired for love.

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