At a loss, with tears rolling.

God-Grant-Me-the-Serenity-Black-Vinyl-Wall-Art-Quote-L12708112David is in crisis again.

While I know mentally that there is not a damn thing I can do about it, my heart is breaking because I can’t help him.

Tonight during staff transition, (between shifts), David started a rebellion.  Yes.  You read that correctly.

He got together with a couple peers and started a rebellion.

Eventually, over the course of the evening, David became violent.  So they put him in time out.

Then they had to restrain him to put him back on time out.

He was fighting that, and knocked a plate off a counter, which ended up in the time out room with him.  The plate was plastic.

He used the plate as a weapon and tried to attack staff.  He then started pounding on the window, which they said was some kind of plexi-glass.

So he broke the window.

Somehow he was cut.  Required 4 stitches in one knee and has numerous other cuts.   When you have zero body fat, even four stitches is significant.  He did work at making the wounds  he sustained or gave himself bigger.

And so the tears roll.  As much as I love the little guy, there is nothing I can do for him that they are not already doing.

My fear is that if he keeps doing the things that he is doing, he will end up moving some place further away.  Denver, Red Rock, Duluth, Iowa, Missouri, there are places, but they are much, much further away.

So tonight, because he self-harmed and was physically aggressive, he is on close watch.  He has had all personal items removed from his room.  He has to see staff to sign out clothing and what not.  He has to have someone watching him at all times, including while he is sleeping.

Tonight, they had the program director, the spiritual director, a couple of nurses, his primary, the lodge leader, and a couple of other people all trying to help our son through this crisis.

I am thankful for the staff that is with him.  I am thankful that he is as safe as we can make him without putting him in a straight-jacket.

My heart is breaking because I can’t help.  I can’t make things better.

I don’t know what to do.  Dad’s are supposed to be able to fix things.  I can’t fix this.  I can’t undo the damage caused by a selfish woman who did not think of her unborn child when she proceeded to get herself loaded up on drugs.

We are.

His.

Forever, Family.  Always.

David, you won’t read this.  But I hope that you know how much we love you and miss you.  You are never far from my thoughts and prayers.

I love you, son.
Dad.