struggling and happy 3 month anniversary

This post isn’t so much about David as it is about me.  309839404_80_80

See for a long time, David was in a safe place.  A place where I didn’t have to worry as much.  I could get the weekly reports, I could talk to David, I would take the interceding calls, that told me of some event in his life, and quarterly, i would make the 7 hour drive to see him.

Now, he is home.  And even periods of what should be periods of deep sleep are interrupted by concern over what he is doing.  What he is into.  Where he is.  If he speaks, even if it is another room, chances are good I will hear it.

This isn’t healthy.

Yesterday, I told David to stay within sight of the back door.  Mom came home and he wrangled the opportunity to go to the neighbor’s house.  He stayed for supper.  And as much as David is capable of it, the boys who live there are friends.   At 7:30, I asked where David was.  Evidently he was given permission to be at the park, and was told to come home with the boys, since they had watches.  Long story short, he refused to come home.   I had to go get him.

And honestly, with any other child, this wouldn’t be an issue.  But.   David has a tendency to do things, and be in places he isn’t supposed to go.  So it is a big deal to us.  When we got home, he could not comprehend why it was an issue for him to be at the park unsupervised.

I could have attempted to make use of the safe bed in the capital city, but the last time I tried that, David ended up escaping, running up and down the street screaming just kill me.

So I feel like a hostage.  In two ways.  David.  and my health.

I have Systemic Lupus.  the stress of caring for him is beginning to have an adverse affect on my immune system.  Which isn’t the best to begin with.   I am not saying it is his fault.

It is what it is.

and it isn’t healthy.

My bride gives me the breaks that she can.  But since I am on disability, his care largely falls on my shoulders.  She has a full time job providing for our family.

So I am struggling.  I think that it is time to ask for help.  David won’t benefit from therapy, we have seen that in the past, unless it is intensive, long-term inpatient care, he responds negatively.

I don’t know what to do.

Talking to David about anything is an exercise in futility.  Unless he feels it has a personal benefit for him, he doesn’t care.

Happy 3 month anniversary.  3 months ago tomorrow, you came home.

I hate that I feel like this.   I am feeling so overwhelmed, that I shut down my facebook group for people with Lupus.   I have been denigrated by the people in that group, and while it saddens me, I will live with it.

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