every day. a struggle

WafflesI am exhausted.  Mentally.

he will push until I respond.  when I refuse to acknowledge him, he pushes harder.

When I snap and yell at him, he is happy.  Then he says, why are you yelling?  You shouldn’t yell like that dad, it’s not healthy.

So I tell him to sit and eat.

No.  Not hungry.

So I go to put his dishes in the sink, so I can wash them, since I am doing dishes anyway.  Now he is hungry.

If I move in any direction where he might be, he acts as if I am going to chase him.  If I am close to him, he acts like I am going to hit him.

You would think, I beat him severely.  I don’t.  Quite frankly, I don’t think that it would make any difference if I did.

It’s sad, I sit here with my headphones on, music on.  because he is trying to bait me, and I don’t want him to.  He gets up in my grill because he can’t find the remote.  The remote has a specific place in our living room.  He knows that, yet absolutely refuses to return it there when he gets done turning the channel.  So consequently, we all end up searching for it on a regular basis.

Is the frustration of my own making?

I could send him outside, and in reality, I should.  But then what would he get into?  Or should I leave him to his own devices, come what may?

He asked last night about me sending him to a care facility again.  I tell him that he controls whether or not he gets to stay home.  If his behaviors are largely positive, then he will stay.  The course of his life is determined by his behavior.  Sadly, by the next day he has forgotten all about that conversation and is back to the behaviors.  Yet the behaviors, while enough to make any person feel like they are losing their mind, aren’t bad enough to get him a placement.

If I take him to safe bed for behaviors, I worry that he will jump out of the vehicle.  It is a 90 mile drive to safe bed.  I can get the Sheriff to transport if necessary.

Until tomorrow, when we go through this again.

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