Fear and Company – Reacting to Attachment

David is doing well.  But then, he always does fairly well while he is in care.365232019_80_80

We do regular visits, when we go to the city, we try to at least take him out for a meal.  We also spend time with him at the facility and when we do our supply shopping, he goes with us.

This is all a far cry from bringing him home on a day pass.  Or a weekend pass.

I get that he is doing well.  He is good at that.  Always has been.  We have seen where he struggles with success in the facility and self-sabotages that success.

Last year he was home for almost 10 months.  During which time, we lived what can best be characterized as a shelter, fear filled life.  Not just me, but the whole family.  We lived in fear of what he might do.  So please, understand that we don’t necessarily need platitudes regarding David and how well he is doing.  We have a very real understanding of what he is capable of and a very real fear of what could potentially happen if we bring him all the way home for a day.

I am not certain why coming home for a day pass is so important.  We have family that provides us with almost a second home when we are in the city for weekend visits.  And he comes with us to visit there.  So we could just as easily accomplish the day pass at that location.  But David is fixated on coming all the way home.  A trip which is nearly 80 miles each way.

The frustrating part?  And the staff won’t see this.  Is that David is really good at figuring out what to say or do in a given situation to be able to control that aspect of his life.

I get that he is successful.  I get that he shows you that he feels remorseful about the things that he has done.  I don’t for a second believe that he is remorseful.  Where does that leave us?  Can he learn empathy?  I am not certain.  But I do know that in the past he has shown zero empathy toward others, so you telling me that he says he feels a certain way about things just doesn’t ring true.

Well for starters.  It leaves the family afraid.  I don’t know how to get around that fear.  Not just mom and I.  But his siblings as well.  Short of mom quitting her job and us pulling the boys from school, there is no real way to accomplish counseling and therapy sessions that I am sure we need.

We might have had those things, while David was in care, but the intensive home therapist was pulled as soon as David went into care.

Please understand we aren’t rejecting David.  We are just tempering our enthusiasm for this change in him with experience and fear.  If we were rejecting him, we would have signed over custody ages ago.  Please be patient with us.

With kindest regards.

David’s Father
Fear and Company



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